Sunday, August 28, 2011

Too fat, too thin ...

I know that for all the overweight people in the world, there is another group equally battling to keep weight on.

Since I am such an expert, I thought I'd share my recipe for weight gain.

Step One
Make sure all choices relating to food are based on emotions: the more stress, the greater the quantities.

Step Two
Don't eat breakfast.

Step Three
I know it seems like not having breakfast might not help with weight gain, but trust me, by 10am, that pie or leftover pavlova is going to look really good. So go ahead and eat something that tastes really good and is either high fat, high sugar or both.

Step Four
Because everyone else is heading off for lunch at twelve, feel free to join them. Go to the local food court and pick anything you feel like. Make sure to add a drink to that, but avoid diet or water.

Step Five
Don't bother eating again if you get caught up in work, we can make up for that later. But feel free to drink as much coffee as you choose. At least enough that you have headaches on the weekend when your intake falls.

Step Six
When you get home, snack on anything. After all, it's been hours since lunch. But don't count it as dinner, more of a "late afternoon snack".

Step Seven
When dinner is ready, make sure to serve yourself a big plateful. You want your stomach to stretch and not feel full unless you jam plenty in.

Step Eight
Feel free to have dessert, if you wish. Same rules as dinner apply.

Step Nine
As long as we are still eating, feel free to pull out a packet of dip and chips and chow down.

Step Ten
Repeat daily.

Additionally, enjoy unlimited chocolate, lollies, birthday cakes or other food opportunities that present themselves. Make sure to also eat plenty of healthy fruit and vegetables.

Your body will be so confused, it will simultaneously think it is starving and malnourished. Because your stomach is so stretched, you will still feel hungry all the time.

Just keep feeding the hunger and the weight will pile on.

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